I cannot be nonchalant. I have tried to become that kind of person, but it has never felt natural to me. I do not understand how people act like nothing affects them, how they read a message and reply hours later as if it holds no weight, or how they stay calm when everything inside me feels loud and restless.
For me, nothing is casual. If I care about someone, I care completely. If I miss someone, it is not a passing thought. It stays in the back of my mind, in the quiet moments, in the spaces where I am alone with my thoughts. I do not just feel things, I stay with them.
I notice the smallest details. The way your replies become shorter. The way your energy feels different even through a screen. The way conversations slowly lose warmth. While others ignore these things, I sit there trying to understand what changed.
Sometimes, it is exhausting. Overthinking every silence. Replaying conversations in my head. Wondering if I said something wrong, or if I suddenly became less important. I feel everything, even the things people try to hide.
Maybe that is why people think I am too much. Too emotional. Too available. Too attached. But the truth is, I do not know how to love halfway. I cannot give 50 percent. I cannot pretend someone does not matter when they clearly do.
If I am in your life, I will be the best for you. I will listen to things you do not say out loud. I will remember small details you forgot you shared. I will stay when things become complicated instead of running away. In a world where people leave easily, I choose to stay.
But do not confuse that with weakness. Because the moment you hurt me in a way that shows you do not value me, something inside me shifts quietly.
I do not argue endlessly. I do not beg people to understand me. I do not try to fix something that was broken without care. I simply walk away.
And the harsh truth is, I can become a stranger to you overnight. I will not create drama or seek revenge. I will act like I do not even know you. Not because I never cared, but because I cared too deeply to be treated carelessly.
Once I am done, I am done. There is no slow fading, no staying halfway. Your existence stops mattering to me. Not out of hate, but out of self-respect.
This kind of intensity reminds me of Normal People, where emotions are complicated, unspoken, and often misunderstood. People care deeply, yet they struggle to show it in the right way. I see myself in that silence, in that overthinking, in that depth.
And sometimes, I think of Norwegian Wood, where love and loss are not loud but quietly painful. The characters do not suddenly heal; they simply continue living with what they feel. That is what I do too. I carry things, even when I move forward.
There are days when I wish I could be different. I wish I could read a message and not think too much about it. I wish I could detach easily and not care so deeply. I wish I could say, “it is what it is,” and actually mean it.
But that is not who I am. And maybe it never will be.
Because if I become nonchalant, I will lose the most real part of myself. The part that feels deeply, that notices everything, and that loves without holding back.
In stories like The Great Gatsby, people hold onto feelings longer than they should, believing that something beautiful can still exist in broken timing. Maybe that is what I do too. I hold on a little longer, feel a little deeper, and hope a little more than I should.
But I have learned one thing. Feeling deeply is not the problem. Giving that depth to the wrong people is.
So no, I cannot be nonchalant. I will reply fast. I will care too much. I will feel deeply. I will notice things others ignore.
And yes, it might hurt more. But at least I know something most people cannot say.
When I am there, I am real.
**And when I leave, I am gone for real.**